Dear Mom and Dad,

I feel very tender about my past, present and future experience with public school. My past school experience that I am about to prevail to you is a time where I didn’t know where I was, who I was, and I thought no one really understood what I was going through.

In the 5th grade I was 11 years old, it was 2000. Like you know, I was very bookish and somewhat in to my studies more than others, I didn’t mix well with the basketball crowd, how ever hard I tried I would never succeed with them. I played mostly handball, softball and tag. Or I would sit and read on the playground, I think this was the beginning of a chain of events that continues to hurt me. It would be a pebble that starts a mountain slide everywhere around me. But before I go into such matters I wish to convey to you that I was by no means out of the ordinary, nor a different kid in my elementary years. I was normal and well liked by most, I had numerous friends. I think some of the problems that plague me socially, started when I was sympathetic to Aurora, because she had no friends, she was different and very sensitive, cause her father had just died, so I invited her out to the play ground with me to have some fun.

Somewhere around here is when the seed of evil began to grow in the other kids. They became misled on their morals. I was teased for always reading and hanging out with Aurora, who looked normal and seemed normal in everyway but was just shy, and quiet. I was teased for reasons that are foggy to me now, and some that are clear to me as well. I was also teased because of my language impediment (stuttering), even though this softened somewhat over the course of time because of my speech therapy, it was still prevalent and still present in these children’s memories. I asked the teacher why these people were being mean, and she said “kids will be kids” and that was all, she did talk once or twice with them about it, but that was it, and it continued. Than I came in late one day, and Mrs. Matthews was in a bad mood, she told the class that I was always late and never on time, and asked the opinion of the class; she glared at me, and demanded that I say sorry to the class for being late. I remember I was so embarrassed and stuttered horribly trying to get out the words because she had focused the attention of the whole class onto me. She didn’t do this in a teacher like way, but in a cruel way, and it was clear that is what she meant it to be. I told you Mom when I came home and you called her up and told her never to be like that again. I remember you also called the principal, Cynthia Gray, who never even returned your call. Cynthia Gray was not a good principal and when I think of her I think of a person that lacks sympathy or any motivation to do her job. The experience of being consistently teased for being nice to someone different and for my stuttering and my love of reading was bad but than when my teacher and the principal did nothing to stop them it made me feel like maybe something was wrong with me. This is in the beginning of when I started to feel anxious. My time in the 5th grade turned into the beginning of something terrible for me. When I left the 5th grade I was already becoming disillusioned about school, I than entered the 6th grade at Malibu High school. This turned out to be a nightmarish event for me that would lead to many obstacles afterwards….

I was teased. Constantly and inexhaustibly. They were relentless and constantly tormenting me. They would come up to me in art class and get in my face and call me all sorts of things. Anything from fat boy, book boy, gay, faggot, mammas boy or the commonly used “dork”. I would ask them why they call me such things, and tell them I wasn’t what they called me. I would say “please stop, I don’t like it”…. This begun during the first 8 weeks of school, I thought it was just because I was a little kid in the middle school, but once it started, after the first two days of non stop incessant teasing I began to become depressed. They started to plant demons in my head, and I would question myself and become self conscience. I told the teachers… but they did absolutely nothing, it went on and on, in front of the teachers and in the class room. I remember some one called me a Jew boy because in history we were learning about Judaism, and I raised my hand saying I was half Jewish, along with many others. I remember one of the boys that called me a “Jew boy” was Jewish himself and I said my fair share of mean things to him back, but rarely did I ever do this and only to try and defend myself, because I don’t like being mean to others.

I remember in history class, a kid named Milo asked me to do profane things to him that were sexual and the next day another boy asked me the same things. They did this in front of authority and authority did not do anything to halt it. I remember talking to the Vice Principal (Ms Ramose, who is now gone) about the things these kids were saying while I sobbed as I talked, I was red in my eyes and I had tears on my face. It prevented me from talking and I hyperventilated. I remember her only nodding her head and quickly ushering me out of her office saying she would handle it.

She never did….It continued to happen, they would single me out at PE and at Lunch, I remember they would throw balls at me in the head and laugh. I remember when I changed into my PE clothes they would ask where my bra was. I had intense anxiety at lunch, nutrition and passing periods.

I often wonder how this certain thing popped up. I remembered that I didn’t have normal stereotype interests such as radical sports, and hard rock bands. I liked the ocean, learning, reading and writing.

I guess this is why they called me these things.

I began to develop a phobia for school.

I became very Anti Social, trusting no one in fear that “it” would be labeled on me, I would have massive anxiety attacks on Sundays the day before I had to go back to school, Monday, I would shiver, get hot headaches and horrible neck aches and go into an aggressive mood. I was very fragile and would cry at unheard moments. I developed stomachaches and massive amounts of anxiety attacks, and I was racked with self doubt and wasn’t able to focus.

I couldn’t focus on my school work, because I was so worried, as I looked around the room straining my ears to see if someone was talking about me. My thinking wasn’t as clear as I would have liked, I couldn’t remember certain things, because I was racked up with worry. My grades dropped dramatically and I was prone to bouts of sadness in school, I over ate and over slept, it was extremely hard to wake up in the morning and go to school because of fear and anxiety, and I couldn’t stop eating. I was beginning to become very negative on life and was turning even on my own friends, I was cruel to an old friend of 9 years and we have never been the same since. I wouldn’t play with my brother because after school I was either crying or sleeping. I became obsessive, I would write in the air “ I am not gay, I am not a mammas boy etc” I would write it down and say it rapidly under my breath, I wouldn’t venture out of the house and became very afraid to leave the house, and always wanted to stay home. I became sick more and more. I skipped 56 days of the school that year. Within that year I had changed from a social little kid that was interested in everything, to a person that was Anti Social, didn’t want to leave the house, didn’t want to go to school and was constantly self conscience and obsessive. Within that school year of social injustice and lack of the school stepping in ANY WAY, grandma Melody died of cancer. That was a horrible year for me, and I look back at my 12th year with sorrow and fear….. that still lingers… than came my 7th grade year, the day before school I literally threw a two year old tantrum, I cried and cried till I was dehydrated, I wouldn’t get off of my bed, and refused to go to school, calling it profane names.

I went anyway, because you made me, although against my will…

I stayed in till December 15th 2002, it didn’t change a bit, I was teased as much if not worse then before, the school grew larger and it felt more alien. I pleaded for help but to no avail. Only a week before I left did they start a system in which if the person violated the “teasing laws” s/he was suspended or reprimanded it was based on the three strikes and your out..… But the damage for me was already done. I waited for it to end all the while falling into a deep depression on which I went on Prozac for. I waited for a year and a half, before they even took the smallest measure of action for my cause, though I do appreciate the kind email Vice Principal Davis sent me saying he was sorry, yet it didn’t help to solve my problem it only showed me sympathy.

I left Malibu High School, a fragile, anxious wreck. I was nervous constantly, sick, and depressed. I was in probably the worst times of my life.

I was torn open and left with wounds that won’t heal. I fell deeper into depression and was anxious all the time, I affected everyone around me and I hated myself. I despised myself, because I thought of the bullies and believed what they said. I was clouded and sad with nothing to help me, I am sorry to say it, but I sometimes had suicidal thoughts.

I began to Home school with Laurel Springs School for the rest of the school year. I liked this experience but felt like I was totally removed from EVERYONE... I wanted to have other kids in my life during school but just not the ones who teased me. I began to long for friends.

I returned to MHS in the year 2003 for my 8th grade year, although it had somewhat changed, it still wasn’t good for me. I had a cruel teacher named Mrs Ojeda that would berate me and threaten to suspend me because I would sometimes arrive late. She didn’t make me want to go to school and I felt like she was singling me out, she created great and tremendous anxiety on me, that turned me off again. The students were still as mean as ever, though not as out in the open with it, but only subtlety teasing me, as if aware of the punishment yet they continued to do it in secret… I felt like I couldn’t learn, I was anxious and always wanted to go home, I had many “mental health days” and I seemed to be happier away from school. I like learning, yet I couldn’t operate in school, I felt like I couldn’t understand what the teacher was saying, or what I was reading or the math was too hard. The environment was claustrophobic for me. The memories were too prevalent for me to learn. Even though I was on Prozac, I still had problems with my emotional side to life.

I’ve decided that I can’t function in the public school environment and I don’t wish to attend public school any longer. The IEP meeting you had with the school where they decided to give me in home instruction, hasn’t been successful for me either; the teacher hardly showed up and has only spent 4 or 5 hours with me in the last 6 weeks. I feel as if the school doesn’t care about me. I feel used and abandoned. I have felt this way about school since early in the 6th grade.

Bottom line when I have kids I would never want them to witness the horror I am going through………The only thing that is good from this time in my life is that it has brought me closer to God.

Please help me….Dylan